Prenatal Diet for the Modern Woman

Although I am neither a doctor nor do I play one on TV, I was happy nonetheless to set my newly pregnant friend straight the other day when it comes to her prenatal diet.

“My nurse told me to eat at least two eggs per day to strengthen the amniotic sac,” she told me over a breakfast of two eggs and a pancake.

“The whole egg, including the shell and membrane, right?” I asked, wanting to ensure she understood her instructions. After all, everyone knows the egg’s membrane is the key ingredient for strengthening the sac, and eating the entirety of two eggs per day will produce an amniotic sac 50% stronger than eating no eggs at all.1 As a bonus, the calcium derived from the shell benefits both the baby and the mother, whose gums will also be toughened by chewing the crunchy white substance.

“No, just the insides,” she said, and I knew it was time to intervene.

Although I’m frequently irked by know-it-alls who feel they must one-up any story you might tell—like the 32-year-old male peer who knows exactly what you’re experiencing as you sweat through menopause—I felt it was my obligation to share the diet recommended to me by my own nurses years ago.

Studies have shown that consuming the following diet will improve your chances of delivering a healthy, full-term baby naturally, one (or more!) capable of breaking through their strong sacs just as they emerge into your world.2 It is my hope that pregnant women everywhere will learn from the advice I now provide freely.

For Resilient Amniotic Sac and Strong Bones (both yours and baby’s):

As mentioned above, eat at least two entire eggs daily. By now, the rationale should be clear. The easiest way to accomplish this is to boil the egg (hard or soft, but hard is less messy) and consume out-of-hand. Some suggest using a blender (add butter and water for a creamier consistency), though I have not personally tried that method.

For Your Baby’s Speed, Agility, and Robust Blood:

Although this should be obvious to every pregnant woman, I’ll still mention it. Drink one small glass (juice glass) of cheetah blood. This may be added to the egg mixture in the blender should you choose to try that method. The best advice for finding this ingredient—as with all others in this plan—is to acquire the freshest available, and this might mean going directly to the source. By hunting and killing the cheetah yourself, the result for your baby will be a 99% spike in both situational awareness and the instinct for self-preservation when compared with babies whose mothers did not hunt for their prenatal ingredients.3

For Keen Eyesight:

Sip the aforementioned mixture (or just the cheetah blood) through an eagle feather quill. You may want to keep several of these on hand as they tend to clog easily, but remember—you’re doing this for your baby.

For Strong Nails and Hair:

This will be the easiest advice to follow! Put away your clippers and files and use your teeth for what they were intended: chewing your own nails and the ends of your hair. By reintroducing these substances into your own digestive system (don’t forget to include your toe nails—you may use clippers for those), you will ensure that your baby’s nails and hair will be far stronger than if you fail to incorporate this dietary advice. Don’t be shy about asking family members to donate their clippings as well. The more the better for this ingredient. Do not use nail polish or hair styling products throughout your pregnancy as this new habit may invite unwanted chemicals into your baby’s system.

For Overall Strength and Healthy Internal Organs:

Once you’ve drained all the blood from the cheetah (freeze 4-oz portions to last throughout your pregnancy…two full-sized cheetahs are all you’ll need), package the internal organs separately. Although it is preferable to eat these fresh from the kill, we recognize the inconvenience this might create, so after enjoying a warm bite of liver on-site, remember to chop and freeze these ingredients in bite-sized chunks. Consume one every other day throughout your pregnancy, either immediately after thawing (raw is preferable), or lightly sautéed in coconut oil.

For Smooth Skin and Dexterity in Water Sports:

Use fish oil, coconut oil, and extra-virgin olive oil liberally! These should be the only oils you ingest throughout your pregnancy. Cook with them, mix them into your morning egg mixture, and bathe with them for the added osmotic effect which benefits your baby immediately.4 Another suggestion is to enjoy one freshly clubbed sandwich of baby seal each month, though I hear the current legal system might thwart your efforts here.

For Intelligence:

I include this obvious piece of advice because I would be remiss not to mention it, and every mother-to-be should relish this delicacy at least once during her pregnancy (one is all you need, though you may find you want more). Within the first trimester, consume one owl brain. Although it is preferable to do this while the bird is still alive, any way you can introduce this ingredient into your diet early in your pregnancy will almost always ensure that your child’s intelligence will be above average.

For Sense of Humor (perhaps the most important attribute you can give your baby):

The obvious answer here would be incorrect. It has been demonstrated5 that consuming any part of a hyena results in offspring who incline toward passive-aggressive behavior. Instead, just one Aha Ha (of the Australian wasp species) per day is all you’ll need to ensure your baby will be the life of any party, be it democratic, republican, or independent! Purchase these little treasures freeze-dried in bulk, and don’t be surprised if you find yourself chuckling a little more each day as well.

Although I realize everyone has their own opinions about what constitutes a healthy prenatal diet, I hope those who may try my suggestions will let me know how it works for you and your new babies. Certainly you will want to remember to add sugar and spice and everything nice if you plan to have a girl, and frogs and snails and puppy-dogs’ tails if you’d rather a boy (get to know your local French restaurant for the former and animal shelter for the latter).

As with all medical advice, talk with your doctor before making any major dietary changes.6

Congratulations on your new pregnancy, and happy hunting!

*******

1 50% stronger amniotic sac based on 100% conjecture.

2 Studies include my own personal experience. Other than eating a well-balanced diet including all food groups, I followed none of the suggestions in this column and delivered two healthy, full-term babies naturally.

3 There have been no studies yet to confirm this statistic, but doesn’t it just make sense?

4 Other than the word “liberally” and the part about osmosis, this might actually be sound advice.

5 No, it hasn’t.

 6 Every piece of advice in this column should be followed in addition to a well-balanced diet including all food groups, and taken with a grain of salt: preferably, Himalayan pink.